Spring is almost here! A good time to write about love and romance. Since my last blog post, about Valentines, I pondered a lot about what ‘romantic’ means for people. I was quizzing my friends what connotations the word ‘romantic’ had for them. Romantic dinner? Romantic gesture? Romantic place? I am not even sure if men stop reading this post right now, whether it features in their world, or whether it’s a word they hear a lot from their partners, but don’t really know what to make of it?
Well, I had better admit here that in my 20s, the word didn’t feature at all in my universe. I was living in Berlin, studying, working, having fun, going out, having boyfriends. My approach to life was mainly – hmm – pragmatic? It’s almost incredible for me now to write that down, but I think it’s true! Berlin is not a particularly romantic city, or wasn’t then, as West-Berlin, and people tended to be blunt, outspoken, pragmatic, political.
I must have thwarted a number of romantic attempts to approach me. Again, a list of people to apologize to. Sorry! I did not know any better then. At the same time, romantic gestures moved me a lot, to a level that surprised me.
Simple gestures, like opening a car door, so I could get in first. Receiving little gifts, out of the blue. My new boyfriend leaving me little notes and love poems on the kitchen table. And then, I took up Argentinian Tango. My partner was mainly interested in the dance technique, but the teacher would sometimes step in to show him something, so I could FEEL what this dance was about. So romantic. So erotic! I never got to a really advanced technical level, but when it worked, it was not about technique. It was about connection, about a melting of male and female, in a mystical way. I would have my eyes closed, feeling safe and embraced, trusting completely. I wasn’t being led, I was him. He was me. It was like reading thoughts, before you even have them.
I think this is pointing to what the word romantic is about. It’s an out of the ordinary, different from your everyday experience. Miracles and mystical experiences in themselves are not necessarily romantic, but can be – if there is an erotic charge, a connection and melting of opposites. My friends in long-term relationships say it’s about kissing each other in the hall, when passing, spontaneously, or maybe about a look in the eyes when leaving the house in the morning. Or doing what needs to be done, for each other, unexpectedly, as a gesture of love. It’s like another realm popping up, a mystical one, full of love and eroticism.
Children are still connected to those mystical realms naturally, before puberty makes them boys feeling drawn to girls, and girls interested in boys. A toy car can become a real one, easily, and them driving it. Their reality comprises monsters and fairies and witches and heroes and pixies, quite naturally, without having to ‘switch’ realms.
Miracles can occur any moment!
Their world view is magical. Every moment can take a joyful, or scary turn, any time. They live in the moment, magically fed by and feeding both realms. They are not afraid to feel feelings. More and more I begin to see how adults suffer when this magical realm seems lost for them, and is then replaced by cynicism. I think I want to quote from the book I’m currently reading, Womb Wisdom, by Padma and Anaiya Aon Prakasha. The quote is true for men and women alike though! “You know that deep within you there is so much more, so much more you deserve and that you have felt. But you have forgotten about it, and relegated it to a dream, a fantasy, a romantic illusion. And now you have settled for ‘comfort’ and pleasantry – and left out part of your soul in this deal, this bargain. At any time you can notice this thread, as a whispered thought, an unusual feeling, a hope, a dream, a chance meeting, […] and a longing in the heart.
Follow it, act upon it, do something radical, and enjoy the bliss, and adventure, of this path.” What is strong in this quotation is the being in the moment, being present to it. A large number of people never ever arrive in the Now! They make up stories, about the past, about the future, but they are never ever here, now! Cynicism is the belief that all your (negative) past experiences are going to be repeated in the future. It is a thorough disenchantment with life, and then taking a kind of delight in the hopelessness, cherishing negativity. We CREATE our reality. If you believe your future is going to be dull and bleak, that’s exactly what it’s going to be! As a teacher of mindfulness, I’m all about bringing people back to the present moment, and to the miracles they let pass by, unaware. It makes me sad how very negative people feel often about themselves, how they want to cut off, from the moment, from their own bodies, to just not feel any more. I want to make them feel better, infuse them with love, blessings, care, respect, enchantment, so they pick up courage to face themselves, and the present moment, and to suddenly find miracles there.
In Tantra, we seek divinity and love in everyday life, every moment. Couples giggle when I ask them to address each other as divine beings, as God and Goddess. What they are not aware of is that treating each other casually, cruelly and off-hand on a daily basis is in turn creating reality too. Say something beautiful, honouring, loving to your partner three times a day! Watch your relationship transform in front of your eyes, into something magical and divine, something you would have never thought possible, see that divine being you are with, maybe for the first time. We have more magic available than we can possible fathom, until we try it.
Which leads me to the other, magical, fantastic book I’ve been reading, called, ‘The Future of Love’, by Daphne Rose Kingsma, and it’s about ‘The Power of the Soul in Intimate Relationships’. Similar to ‘Re-writing the Rules’, by Meg Barker, it promotes finding out the kind of relationship that works for you, even if it goes against the grain of society. Let’s face it, finding our joy in life often does! Conventional therapy and counselling or couple counselling often work on the personality level alone, without taking the needs or the journey of the soul into account. I don’t want to advocate disastrous relationships, but if you find yourself in one, chances are that you need to rise to the challenge on a soul level as well. To illustrate that, it could happen that one partner only learns to speak out, speak his truth, when pushed to his limits by his spouse. In the end, relationships are about growth, not about mortgages.
The stages she defines in relationships sound ever so slightly depressing, but ring true nevertheless: Romance (Moonlight and Red Roses), Commitment (The Pledge), Crisis (A Crack in the Vase), Chaos (Loss of Control), Surrender (The Awakening), Transformation (True Love). If you have ever been guilty of trying to change your partner into something else, something he or she just wasn’t, you will identify with the above stages I think. In the last phase, transformation, it’s possible that the relationship gets transformed, so the partners are able to re-invent their relationship and to start a new phase together, find out what it’s all about, see each other for the first time as they really are, and start again, with each other, at phase 1. What can also happen is separation of course. There is no right or wrong in this, in my opinion. The only thing that needs to be avoided in life is stuckness, staying in a box you no longer believe in, stifling your vital energies, in order to conform. What I’m pleading for, together with Daphne, is to risk having a soulful life, with soulful relationships, and apart from Self-Awareness, we need aliveness for it, love, empathy, and consecration. Joy originates in soulful lives, and romance does too! Lives where we take risks, out of love, in order to be more truly our selves, with each other.
May you all have a blessed, romantic, loving spring full of mystery, miracles and joy!
Love and namaste, Sarani Premanjali,
Love/Soul/Pleasure Activist!
healingandblissnow.wordpress.com 